i've recently discovered that i'm scared of believing God. don't get me wrong -- not believing IN God, just believing Him.
let me back up. i started a small group Bible study a few weeks ago. it's by Beth Moore and is entitled, surprisingly enough, Believing God. in essence, it's really about faith, and i'm learning a lot. that opening statement is just the beginning.
i believe in Him alright... i know He exists, and trust Him for salvation... but i don't think that truth always carries out into my life; i don't always live as if it i believed it. as Beth says, my theology doesn't always meet with my reality.
a few big things are going on in my life right now. in theory, i've been praying about them for a while. in reality, they've sloshed around my muggy prayer life from time to time as i've thought about praying for them, but haven't carried it out. yes, i know God can read my thoughts, but there's still something to be said, i believe, for officially laying them before His throne in humble adoration. i begin to digress.
the issue at hand is why i haven't been praying for these things. i've come to the realization that i'm fearful. fearful that, if i give them over to Him, He'll say "no," and i'll have a reason to be mad/angry/bitter. i'm afraid that if i ask Him to do something, then i'll expect Him to "come through" because of my extremely amazing faith or something. if i don't actually pray about them, then it's not His "fault" if things don't go my way, and i can only blame myself for the mess. i think this stems from 2 issues: 1) a lack of faith that He is capable of doing these things (i.e. performing miracles), and 2) a lack of trust that He will do what's best for me, even if it's not what i ask.
long story made slightly not-as-long, i've committed to truly praying daily for a few things:
1) that the way would be made clear for Isaac to live in the States come January,
2) for his brother, Pablo, who is in the military in Spain and is being sent to Afganistan on Oct 25th for at least 2 months,
3) for my mom's good friend, my "Aunt" Cindy, whose breast cancer from 10 years ago has returned and is now vigorously attacking her bones (and possibly her brain, we found out tonight), and
4) for the ability and wisdom to write my term papers well and in a timely manner.
overall, i'm praying for God to be BIG. according to Psalm 77:14, He is "the God who works wonders (or performs miracles, depending on the version)." i'm praying to see them. i'm also crying out, as a father did many years ago "I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).
if the Lord tugs on your heart to join me in prayer for these things, or for my own unbelief, i'd greatly appreciate it. and whether or not that's the case, thanks for tracking with me.
may my life continue to echo "Soli Deo Gloria..."